3 weeks or so

The past three weeks have been very hard on me. I always thought of myself as a strong person, but this accident has proven that wrong. Well at least to me. I can handle most of the pain and depression when I am in a group setting but not always. I find myself shutting down to everything and just climbing into my old shell, like it is safer in there. I hate even talking about this but it needs to be said. I am not the same person I once was and it kills me that a cow and car accident has changed me so much. The Dr's told me it is very normal to have this depression happen and to even have so PTSD along with it, but they don't tell you how fast and how hard it can show up and leave. I feel like I am bipolar now. Jake is still being amazing for me. He knows I have a hard time riding in the Miata, especially at, and he drives extra careful and pats my hands or rubs his thumb on my thigh. It is the sweetest thing ever and last night I felt like I could handle the drive home. I thought I might have this beat on my own and wanted to let him know how much I love the way he takes care of me. I took my hands out of my pockets and reached out to rest my hand on his and that is when it hit me.... Panic.
Shear over whelming panic. I pulled my hand away so fast what hurt the worst was seeing the hurt on his face. I tried so hard not to cry. There were so many questions running through my head. All the what if's and maybe's of the drive home. If my hand is on his and something happens then he won't be able to respond as quickly. Why must I be punished with the scars and the broken brain?!? I know and am so very thankful to the surgeons who fixed me up but they don't have to live with looking in the mirror. I also know that I am healing extremely well and should be happy and proud of my face, but this doesn't make it any easier. I don't want to be a whiner but with all of this and L&I taking its sweet ass time I just feel so stuck. No school until this Fall because I can't afford it and stuck in the sticks. I feel like I have been hurting everyone around me that has been nothing but great to me and I don't mean to. I just am not the same person and don't have the patients that I use to. If I could describe my brain and the wall I tried to put up around the emotions and stress, all I can say is that it has a police caution tape up and all of the bad stuff is pushing its way through. As strong as I can be I am not strong enough to hold it off forever. If you have seen Supernatural then you can understand what I mean. So to the amazing friends and family I have, please be patient and understanding with me. I am trying to heal in the only fashion I know and it is taking too long for me. If I say something mean I truly do not mean to. I love you all and all the support I have be receiving.
Thank You