3 weeks or so

The past three weeks have been very hard on me. I always thought of myself as a strong person, but this accident has proven that wrong. Well at least to me. I can handle most of the pain and depression when I am in a group setting but not always. I find myself shutting down to everything and just climbing into my old shell, like it is safer in there. I hate even talking about this but it needs to be said. I am not the same person I once was and it kills me that a cow and car accident has changed me so much. The Dr's told me it is very normal to have this depression happen and to even have so PTSD along with it, but they don't tell you how fast and how hard it can show up and leave. I feel like I am bipolar now. Jake is still being amazing for me. He knows I have a hard time riding in the Miata, especially at, and he drives extra careful and pats my hands or rubs his thumb on my thigh. It is the sweetest thing ever and last night I felt like I could handle the drive home. I thought I might have this beat on my own and wanted to let him know how much I love the way he takes care of me. I took my hands out of my pockets and reached out to rest my hand on his and that is when it hit me.... Panic.
Shear over whelming panic. I pulled my hand away so fast what hurt the worst was seeing the hurt on his face. I tried so hard not to cry. There were so many questions running through my head. All the what if's and maybe's of the drive home. If my hand is on his and something happens then he won't be able to respond as quickly. Why must I be punished with the scars and the broken brain?!? I know and am so very thankful to the surgeons who fixed me up but they don't have to live with looking in the mirror. I also know that I am healing extremely well and should be happy and proud of my face, but this doesn't make it any easier. I don't want to be a whiner but with all of this and L&I taking its sweet ass time I just feel so stuck. No school until this Fall because I can't afford it and stuck in the sticks. I feel like I have been hurting everyone around me that has been nothing but great to me and I don't mean to. I just am not the same person and don't have the patients that I use to. If I could describe my brain and the wall I tried to put up around the emotions and stress, all I can say is that it has a police caution tape up and all of the bad stuff is pushing its way through. As strong as I can be I am not strong enough to hold it off forever. If you have seen Supernatural then you can understand what I mean. So to the amazing friends and family I have, please be patient and understanding with me. I am trying to heal in the only fashion I know and it is taking too long for me. If I say something mean I truly do not mean to. I love you all and all the support I have be receiving.
Thank You

Withdrawal

So this second week is started off hard. I had to use a medical withdrawal from my spring quarter at YVCC so that I can heal. We spoke to the Sheriff who was there at our accident and he closed the case, stating that range area cris crosses the road all the way up the mountain and that he wasn't sure if place we hit the cow was range area or not and we should speak to an attorney. This Sheriff hadn't even looked at me, had just spoken to the EMT'S  and heard I had a face laceration. He didn't know that I was sent to Harborview to have my face stitched back together. UGH... then we call Jake's car insurance company (he has broad form) and they would only cover him and he was not hurt. They do not cover the vehicle either. I am battling this deep depression thought and I hate it! I feel so lost and lonely up here at the house with nothing to do. I know I have to take it easy and heal, but now I am so stressed about paying for all these medical bills that I can't switch my brain off. Even just admitting this kills me. Some days looking in the mirror makes me cry. I know I am healing really well and it will eventually be better, but it doesn't make me cry any less. So I am getting the stress off of my chest today and going to try and fight this head on.

This is my hole in my head. Going to take the longest to heal!

Accident and Healing

So most people know or heard that Jake and I had been in a car accident over the weekend. I have to say that I had felt like something was going to happen but had no idea how big or how much pain it would involve. Jake and I were heading home after swinging into Wal-Mart for some groceries and we were just about to pass Hazen. There was another car heading in the other direction and as they passed we were trying to get our eyes adjusted when I saw the cow in the middle of our lane. I yelled and Jake tried to get out and around the cow but there wasn't enough time. We struck the cow from behind with the front passenger fender. The cow came up and I tried to block it with my left arm but the glass broken in my side door and shattered into my face. The cow walked away with some skin missing. I lost a lot of blood, but Jake was on the ball and had 911 on the line and he gave me his shirt to hold to my torn up face. When the Fire Department of Tampico got there they put a brace on my neck and laid me out on a board and wrapped my head. I was able to answer all of their questions and knew what day and kinda what time it was. First we went to Memorial Hospital and they stitched the arteries closed and had CT scans done. The hospital didn't have a cosmetic surgeon on call so they sent me to Seattle Harbor View. About 2 hours later we made it and I was only over 2 liters of blood gone, but they were feeding me more. The staff every where I went were very nice and tried t keep me comfortable and not feeling too sick while they pulled the glass out and stitched me up. I was told I would have around 200 or more stitches and some how they managed to put me back together. I really didn't want to miss school, but my body was not going to have it at all. So I am at home trying to get the rest I need and keep my wounds clean. Here are the pictures. I want to thank everyone for all of the positive thoughts and well wishes. I couldn't have made it without all of this. Jake has been my hero and taking such good care of me.